driving to the airport

Journal Entry - Jan 2025

I wrote this shortly after moving away from home

Why is it so hard to move?

When I was young, I couldn’t wait to grow up. Find my own place, have my own problems to solve. I was always looking forward to it. I studied in school and worked hard to make this happen, but now that it’s actually happening, I can’t help but question what it all means.

I don’t have any friends elsewhere. My family is here. How does that make any sense? Yet, people leave all the time. More often than not, it’s to find something out about themselves. I still have some of that to do, but is that selfish of me? They say when you’re young, it’s the perfect time to be selfish, but we’re also taught not to be selfish.

I’m only 22 now, but I’ll be 23 soon. 23 won’t last long before 24 shows up. At what point are you not considered young anymore?

I look around at this place and can’t help but want to cling to something familiar, something comfortable. It’s like getting a haircut and, right as you sit down in the chair, you realize you like your hair. Why did I even want a haircut in the first place? This haircut works, right? Hell, I could grow it out for a little bit longer, right?

It’s like wanting to watch a new movie, but ending up watching your favorite one instead. There was a time when that movie wasn’t your favorite, which means you have to be open to something new for it to become meaningful. Then you realize, all these things you love are from the past. That’s why you like them, but if you’re not open to new experiences, how much are you really changing?

So why is it so hard?

Maybe it’s because my parents, who don't quite want me to leave, have to help me pack my whole life into one suitcase. I know everyone’s story is different, and everyone wants different things. But when do we figure out what we actually want? Does it suddenly make sense one day, or does it never make sense?

Every time I talk to someone older, they tell me about how much they moved around when they were young. My parents left their homes for school. Most people my age moved away. Yet, I am consumed with guilt. Is everyone?

I hate goodbyes. They’re awkward and feel way too final, even though they’re not.

So why is it so hard?

Ask me again in a year or two what I think.